The Sudden Death of Intuitive Thinking

In memory of my nephew, Nolan McIntyre, who was "Intuitive Thinking". Nolan died suddenly on Feb 10, 2009, at the age of 27.

To read about Nolan, go to http://www.salon.com/ and read my posts:

http://open.salon.com/blog/proud_and_progressive/2009/02/10/please_pray_for_my_sisters_family

http://open.salon.com/blog/proud_and_progressive/2009/02/21/how_strangers_at_os_consoled_a_grieving_mother

http://open.salon.com/blog/proud_and_progressive/2009/02/28/the_last_time_i_saw_nolan

The True (and uncensored) Story of My Dad, Part 2

So, the readers at salon.com wanted to know what happened after Doris and I found our dad in Seattle. This is the rest of the story.

My dad, circa 1967, shortly before he left the family, and 11 years before he died

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I was in Sun Valley, Idaho when I got the phone call. It was 1978, years before cell phones, email, and the constant connection to family and friends. So when my sister, Doris, left me a message at the Sun Valley Lodge, I knew something was wrong. Terribly wrong.

I panicked, afraid to listen to the painful words I would surely hear from the other end of the telephone line.

"Don't tell me, Doris. Please don't tell me anything bad"

"It's not the worst one", she said.

Not the worst one.

I knew right away who she meant. I felt relief, pain, then guilt. "I'm sorry, Daddy", I whispered, lifting my eyes up towards heaven. "I'm sorry you died. I'm sorry we had only four years. And I'm sorry I think of your dying as not the worst one."

I couldn't talk. Couldn't think. Couldn't breathe.

I called my oldest sister, Millie, the pastor's wife. "I want to pretend that he never came back, that he's still living somewhere else, that we never had these four years, because it's too painful."

"You can't do that", she said, then gave me advice about death and grieving, forgiveness and acceptance.

"Are you with someone you can talk to?" she asked.

"Yes, my friend Sallee. We're leaving right now. We'll be in Portland tonight."

I was surprised when I found out that Sallee didn't understand my grief. She knew the story of my dad, and didn't understand why we had to cut our vacation short. She knew how his drinking had torn our family apart. How Daddy just packed up and left us that Spring day in 1968 when I was finishing my Junior year in high school. How Mama was suddenly left with the responsibilty of 3 school age children, and had to find a job at the age of 47, after twenty-three years as a homemaker. How Doris and I found him 4 years ago - living in a hotel room in Seattle - and brought him back to Portland. She didn't understand how I could grieve, so on that day, I lost a friend as well as a father.

A one day trip home turned into two days, as Sallee drove us back to Portland in her blue 1968 VW Bug, meandering along country roads instead of taking the interstate, because she was angry with me.

For two days I thought about the past four years. First, I cursed Aunt Lilly. Cursed her and Uncle Frank for taking Uncle Onnie away. One day Uncle Frank showed up in Seattle unannounced and took Onnie back to Wisconsin with him. Didn't even say hello or goodbye to Daddy. "Now that Wayne's been reunited with his family, he doesn't need Onnie anymore", was the way they put it. "It's best that Onnie's back home with us".

Aunt Lilly and Uncle Frank didn't realize that Daddy needed to take care of Uncle Onnie. He figured he hadn't taken very good care of us, so this was his second chance. When he went to the Summerplace Nursing Home the next morning and found Onnie gone, he was devasted. I suspect that he might have started drinking again.

When Doris and I drove to Seattle in the summer of 1974, we had not talked to Daddy in over six years. We soon found out that during those years, he and Uncle Onnie worked as ranch hands in Montana, Idaho, and Washington, until Onnie became too sick to work. In each town they worked, Daddy scoured newspaper archives at the local library, looking for any news about the family he had left behind. He kept in touch with Aunt Lilly, and she sent him photograhs of us, copies of the ones Mama had sent to her. He stopped drinking before Onnie got sick and was diagnosed with alzheimers. Stopped cold turkey, he said.

He never stopped thinking about us, he said. We didn't ask him why he never called. The tears in his eyes told me he was sorry, and that those lonely days on the road were too painful to remember. So, we embraced him. And he asked us if he could visit us.

The first thing Daddy did after that day in Seattle was buy a train ticket to visit Millie and her family in California. He spent a month with them, doing odd jobs around the house, making up for lost time with his oldest child, and getting to know his 2 grandsons. The boys were mystified by this new stranger in their lives. Daddy had lost his left eye in his 20's, so he wore a glass eye, and slept with that eye open. One day while Daddy was napping in a chair, 4-year old Eric climbed onto his lap, looked at the opened glass eye and excitedly called to his mother "Mommy, I didn't know my grandpa was bionic!"

Next, Daddy and Uncle Onnie visited us in Portland. Mama was nervous, and we were unsure of how she would react around him. Would she demand an explanation? Tell him to leave us alone, like she did after he left us 6 years earlier? But when he walked in the door of her house, she took one look at the broken man, and softened.

"Mama, I'm sorry", he said. That's all he had to say.

After Uncle Frank took Onnie back to Wisconsin, Daddy decided to move to Portland for good. Doris offered to let him stay at her house, but he said 'no thank-you', he was more comfortable living downtown. He worked in the soup kitchens and chopped fire wood for rich families. One Thanksgiving he had his picture on the front page of The Oregonain, serving food to the homeless. He wanted to stay busy. He never wanted a handout.

One Christmas day Daddy took the city bus to Doris and Rod's house - took the bus because he didn't want anyone to go out of their way picking him up from downtown. He showed up with his glass eye in backwards. Rode the bus for 20 miles that way. "Mama, you need to tell Daddy his eye's in backwards", we told her. I guess they didn't have mirrors at the Gospel Mission Hotel.

Mama and Daddy became friends, but they could never live together again. We spent two Christmases together as a family before that fatal day in 1978 - when he had an aneurysm while chopping wood.

During the 2 day drive from Sun Valley I tried to think of all the good times we had with Daddy over the past 4 years. I didn't want to think about the bad times before - what good would it do?
When I finally got to Portland, I learned two things: 1) Millie had given me wonderful advice, and 2) funerals are for the living.

My family needed this time together to grieve. To remember. To be thankful that we were able to spend his final four years with him. That he had finally found peace. And so had we.
When my brother, Gary was handed the American flag that had been draped over Daddy's casket, I saw the tears streak down Mama's face. They had met and married during World War II - Daddy was an Army Sergeant serving stateside, on account of his glass eye.

Later that day, we received a box of Daddy's belongings from the Gospel Mission Hotel. All of his wordly possessions were in one box. It contained: a small white Bible my youngest sister, Connie, had given to him for his birthday when she was 5 years old; 3 Zane Grey books; the cribbage board he taught me to play on when I was 10 - his cigarette burns were still on the edge of the board; his army discharge papers; his wallet that contained his social security card and 4 photographs - photos of his 4 grandchildren. There was nothing else in his wallet.

We were about to close the box when we noticed something else. On the bottom, in a envelope, were retirement papers he had received from the City of Portland. He had just turned 60 years old before he died, and having worked over 15 years with the City in the 1950's and 1960's, was entitled to a retirement. Even though my parents were divorced, he had made sure that Mama was listed as his beneficiary. What he couldn't give to her in life, he gave to her in death.

On Febraury 5, 2009, my dad would have been 91 years old.

I'm Taking A Break...so please read my story

I'm taking a break from my blogging for awhile. I'm not sure how many readers I'm getting, and it seems to be too time consuming to learn how the whole blogging process works. What I really like to do is write. I've been posting my stuff on OpenSalon at salon.com and have been getting some positive responses. So I decided to write some stuff just for OS. I've been learing alot about writing...much of it I should have already known from some of the creative writing classes I've taken. But it's good to be reminded and get feedback from people. One of the writers I admire at OS has taken an interest in what I've written and has given me some pointers. I wrote the following story after our last communication and got good reviews. My new 'mentor' thought it was great, and the editors at OS rated it as an "Editor's Pick". So...I'm leaving this blog for awhile. If you want to catch me, you can find me writing as Proud and Progressive at: http://open.salon.com/content.php?cid=77362

Now, here's my new story. It was difficult to write, but I wanted to share it with you....whoever you are out there.....

The True (Uncensored) Story of My Dad

Aunt Lilly and I were standing at her kitchen sink washing the dinner dishes when she whispered to me “My heavens, you look just like your father”.

Although we had talked non-stop ever since I stepped off the greyhound bus that afternoon, I think that was the first time she really looked at me. I felt uneasy, like I was a ghost. I looked out the window and thought about the last time we were all here together, as a family. I had fond memories of that time, but I suspect that was when Lilly found out about Daddy’s drinking.

“He wasn’t always like that,” she said, as if reading my mind. “No matter what your mother says… “

Don’t talk about my mother, I wanted to scream. She’s not the one who left us, I wanted to say. But I didn’t, because Daddy is Aunt Lilly’s brother, and she loves him, flaws and all. And I guess I do too. After all, that’s why I made the 2000 mile trip to visit Aunt Lilly.

“He was such a fancy dresser. A good cook too. And boy, could he sew”.

Oh, shut up! Daddy never dressed up for us. He didn’t cook or sew either. Mama did those things. He was the one who left us.

In the beginning there were good times. Before the drinking. After Daddy left, I heard Mama yelling into the telephone “I don’t want your stinkin’ money. If you don’t wanna be a husband and father, then leave us alone.” He left us alone.

Aunt Lilly is talking on and on about Daddy. I don’t want to listen, I want to listen. I know the alcoholism is a disease, an addiction that he can’t, or won’t quit. I know it doesn’t have anything to do with me, or with Mama. I didn’t always know that. When he started drinking, I prayed that he would move away. When he left, I prayed that he would come home.

I tried to think about the good times, like the time he took us skiing, neighbors and all. He drove us up to Mt Hood in a ’56 Chevy Impala, with no seat belts. We couldn’t afford ski bindings, so Daddy attached our boots to the skis with leather belts. My brother, Gary and I each had one ski and one ski pole. Gary skied right into a snow drift, screaming “I’m drowning, I’m drowning!” We didn’t know this wasn’t how you were supposed to ski. I thought of the summer evenings when Daddy sat on the front porch, playing his accordion, and all the neighbors gathered around, singing and dancing.

I looked at Aunt Lilly and asked “Do you know where he is?”

“He’s in Seattle, taking care of Onnie”.

Uncle Onnie. Our favorite uncle. Uncle Onnie is 10 years older than Daddy, but they look so much alike, they are easily mistaken. Uncle Onnie used to give us and the neighbor kids a quarter each time we mistook him for daddy. We made a lot of money the summer he stayed with us. Onnie’s the one who taught me how to stand on my head and how to ride my bicycle with no hands.

“Where in Seattle?” I asked.

“Onnie’s in a nursing home. Your dad lives close by and visits him every day.”

Oh, hmmmm. I looked at the field outside Lilly’s window and remembered the hay ride we took all those years ago. Afterwards, Daddy and Mama sang and danced, and Daddy made everyone laugh. Then he left, I suppose to go to a tavern, because he was gone for the rest of the night.

“Would you like his address?” Lilly asked me.

I clutched Onnie’s and Daddy’s addresses to my chest as I boarded the greyhound bus two days later. When I got home I called my sister. “Doris, how would you like to go see Daddy?”

First, I wrote a letter to Onnie. Doris and I were going to be in Seattle in a couple of weeks and would like to visit him. The nurses at the nursing home called to tell us, yes, he would love to see us.

Next, I told Mama. “Why do you want to see him?” she asked. Then when she walked away, I watched as she observed herself in the mirror, running a comb through her hair and touching up her lipstick. If Mama can forgive Daddy, I guess I can too.

Two weeks later Doris and I drove 3 hours up I-5 to the Summerplace Nursing Home in Seattle. We found Uncle Onnie flirting with one of the nurses, ‘Madge’ her name tag said. We were told he had the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s and might not remember us. But he did, because when we started to leave, he handed me a quarter and said “Give this to your dad”.

Twenty minutes later Doris and I walked past a ‘Men Only’ sign at the entrance of the Mission Hotel. Our hearts pounded as we stood in front of room 303 and knocked. A small, thin man opened the door. He was fresh shaven and wore a clean, though slightly wrinkled red flannel shirt and brown khaki pants. The three of us stood there for a moment, staring at each other, and then embraced. I felt all three heartbeats beating together, felt his bony shoulders, smelled his cheap aftershave, and wept.

He led us into his room, decorated with a bed, table, two chairs, a TV and a small desk. On the desk were photos of his 5 children and 4 grandchildren. Where did he get those, I wondered. From Aunt Lilly? He saw me looking at the Oregon, California, and Missouri phone books on the table. “I wanted to always know where you kids lived” he said, with tears in his eyes.

He wanted to show us the city, so he took us to some of his favorite places. At the library he showed us how he found his daughter’s wedding announcements and grandchildren’s birth announcements. At the Soup Kitchen, he introduced us to some of his friends. “This is my daughter, Doris, she’s a professor and her husband runs the city of Portland. And this is my daughter, Sandra; she’s a Vice President at a big bank.” The details were a little off, but we didn’t correct him. Somehow he knew what we did for a living, so we didn’t care. Let him brag.

We went to a coffee shop and he bought us each a cup of coffee and a maple bar. “I quit drinking”, he said. “I quit after Onnie went to the nursing home. Stopped smoking, too.” I stifled my urge to say – you stopped for Onnie, but not for Mama and us. There was no need to say anything; it’s all in the past.

We walked him back to the Mission Hotel and made arrangements for him to visit us in a couple of months.

“Sandra”, he called to me as I walked away.

“Yeah?”

“Tell Mama I’m sorry”.

Don't Wait Until it's Too Late

Friday night we had a Progressive Cocktail Party in our neighborhood. Sixteen people arrived at our neighbors house across the street at 6pm for savory appetizers and cranberry vodka cocktails.....and after progressing thru two more homes, ended up at the final neighbor's house at 9m for dessert and champagne....with the last guests leaving shortly before midnight.

Some of us met that night for the first time. Some knew a few others only in passing...a 'hello' as we walked past their homes, or when they walked their dogs. Some of us were more intimate....sharing dinners together in each other's homes. Ages ranged from the late 20's to the mid 60's. One couple just moved in a month ago, while we have been here for twelve years. Yet, on this evening, we were all more alike than we were different.

Our snow had pretty much melted by Thursday night, but we all awoke Friday morning with an inch of new fallen snow, that quickly turned into ice. The sixteen neighbors literally grew closer together as we walked arm-in-arm, or hand-in-hand across the icy street as we progressed from house to house.

I'm telling this story because of one person I met that night. The newest neighbor. The youngest neighbor. In a previous post of mine titled "Is my job boring, or am I boring?", I told the story of how my husband wanted to pretend to be a Motivational Speaker (like Chris Farley on SNL). He gave up that little gig when we heard that a real Motivational Speaker was moving into our neighborhood. We met him Friday night, and my husband jokingly told him about his fake job. Thank goodness, he was pretty good natured about it. After all, he is a Motivational Speaker.

But this story isn't really about him. It's about you. It's about me. It's about all of us.

Since he is so young, I wondered how this man became a Motivational Speaker. He said it all started when he was 19 years old and was in a serious car accident, with serious injuries. He eventually recovered, while the driver, his best friend, suffered damage that would alter his life forever. While my neighbor was near death, he wondered...if he died that night...would he have loved enough...mattered enough....made a difference. As he started telling his story, he was asked to give speeches, to inspire people.

Now, I might be putting words in his mouth, but what I gathered from our conversation was that he didn't want to have regrets. He wanted to matter. He wanted to make a difference. He wanted to love enough and be loved enough. He didn't want to wait until it was too late.

That made me think about my dad. He grew up in a small town in Wisconsin, but moved 'out west', as he called it, to make a better life for his family. He worked for the Water Bureau, sometimes managing the reservoirs at Mt Tabor or Washington Park. I don't know if taking care of the roses was part of his job description, but that was something he always proudly showed off to us, whenever we accompanied him to work.

My dad was proud of the life he made for himself in Portland, and proud to be part of the Rose City. He came from a large family and urged his siblings to visit us. My mother's family visited often, but few came from my dad's family. He died in 1976 and is buried at Willamette National Cemetery, on a beautiful hillside overlooking the City of Roses.

About 15 years after my dad died, two of his recently widowed sisters decided to visit Portland. One of the first things they wanted to do was see his grave. My aunt, his oldest sister, looked sadly at the grave and said "All these years Wayne begged me to visit him, and I didn't. I'm so sorry that when I'm finally here, all I see is his grave".

I still tear up whenever I think of that day. At what she missed. That he missed sharing the day with her.

Don't wait until it's too late!